By Champagne Star
Dates: March 21 – April 19
If it’s your birthday this month, have fun, but avoid drunk texting, and remember, Facebook doesn’t need to see selfies of you spewing.
Dates: April 20 – May 20
Don’t make any rash moves. Anything you do that leave you with a rash, is probably a bad idea.
Dates: May 21 – June 20
Still thinking about that penis enlargement? Don’t waste you money; it’s all about how you use it.
Dates: June 21 – July 22
Sore hand? Maybe you really should try asking out the person you like.
Dates: July 23 – August 22
Thinking about a change? Go for it. No one likes underwear worn too many days in a row.
Dates: August 23 – September 22
Looking for love? Dogs never disappoint. No room for a dog, the get a fish, they don’t judge you.
Dates: September 23 – October 22
You’re in for an exciting month, even if it’s all in your own mind.
Dates: October 23 – November 21
Watch out for an opportunity. It might not be yours, but watch out anyway.
Dates: November 22 – December 21
Try to avoid stepping on bubblegum. That stuff is a bitch to get off the bottom of your shoe.
Dates: December 22 – January 19
Remember to turn your phone off during any movies you go to this month. No one wants to hear your ringtone during a sex scene.
Dates: January 20 – February 18
Avoid watching too much Pornhub. Or too little. Just the right amount is perfect.
Dates: February 19 – March 20
Trying wearing your pants over your underpants this month. Then repeat for the rest of the year. Everyone will thank you.