Spiffy Horoscopes

0

By Champagne Star

 

Aries

Dates: March 21 – April 19

Element: Fire

 

If it’s your birthday this month, have fun, but avoid drunk texting, and remember, Facebook doesn’t need to see selfies of you spewing.

 

Taurus

Dates: April 20 – May 20

Element: Earth

 

Don’t make any rash moves. Anything you do that leave you with a rash, is probably a bad idea.

 

Gemini

Dates: May 21 – June 20

Element: Air

 

Still thinking about that penis enlargement? Don’t waste you money; it’s all about how you use it.

 

Cancer

Dates: June 21 – July 22

Element: Water

 

Sore hand? Maybe you really should try asking out the person you like.

 

Leo

Dates: July 23 – August 22

Element: Fire

 

Thinking about a change? Go for it. No one likes underwear worn too many days in a row.

 

Virgo

Dates: August 23 – September 22

Element: Earth

 

Looking for love? Dogs never disappoint. No room for a dog, the get a fish, they don’t judge you.

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Libra

Dates: September 23 – October 22

Element: Air

 

You’re in for an exciting month, even if it’s all in your own mind.

 

Scorpio

Dates: October 23 – November 21

Element: Water

 

Watch out for an opportunity. It might not be yours, but watch out anyway.

 

Sagittarius

Dates: November 22 – December 21

Element: Fire

 

Try to avoid stepping on bubblegum. That stuff is a bitch to get off the bottom of your shoe.

 

Capricorn

Dates: December 22 – January 19

Element: Earth

 

Remember to turn your phone off during any movies you go to this month. No one wants to hear your ringtone during a sex scene.

 

Aquarius

Dates: January 20 – February 18

Element: Air

 

Avoid watching too much Pornhub. Or too little. Just the right amount is perfect.

 

Pisces

Dates: February 19 – March 20

Element: Water

 

Trying wearing your pants over your underpants this month. Then repeat for the rest of the year. Everyone will thank you.

 

 

 

About author

Spiffy

Spiffycats Magazine, a men's magazine featuring pictures of beautiful women and articles in entertainment and other interests.

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