Goal Substitution and Avoidance

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I am currently teaching a student who is extremely new at game and learning completely against his cultural upbringing and background.  But he wants to succeed at dating and success with women.  However, he is fighting it.  Helping him along I was reminded of this article I wrote not too long ago for The Chicago Lair.  It never made it over to my own blog, The Libra Chronicles, yet, so I decided…  Why not share it here?  So let’s get started!

Let’s assume you have a goal. Let’s assume also, that your goal is somewhat difficult to achieve. It has to be hard or it wouldn’t be a goal, you would have already accomplished it. In this case, we are all assuming that a BROAD goal would be getting good with women, maybe having lots of sex or great relationships with them. In the context of the community it is loosely based around what?

Getting Laid.

Now, according to DJ Fuji, less than 5% of the guys in this game get good. That means roughly 1 our of every 20 guys gets consistent, good, doesn’t quit or give up or just stall out and never progress. I’m not going to get into all of the reasons why that happens, but I am simply, in this post, going to get into a theory I have as to 1 big reason many guys don’t get good. I have already touched upon this topic in other posts but wanted to give it a detailed topic of it’s own.

One thing guys learn right away is that this game is hard. It takes guts to approach. It stings your pride when you get rejected. You have to face fears and challenges and even the prospect that someone just does not think you are the cats ass you would like to think you are deep inside. A lot of guys fall off the bandwagon quickly.

Here’s a major way they do it.

“I have to study. School is taking a lot of time right now.”
“I have to work. Work is very important right now.”
“I’m tired. I need rest. I think I’ll stay home.”
“I don’t like going to bars to meet women.”
“I feel uncomfortable talking to girls during the day.”
“I’ll come back to this later.”
“I just got done doing X and I need to rest. Maybe tomorrow.”
“I have to go do X right now… I’ll try and game later.”
“It’s easier and safer to meet girls online on dating websites. Why go out and be social?”

I can make a big list. What happens is your mind, NOT YOU, your mind is trying to protect you. Your mind is trying to avoid the PAIN! This has already been explained deeply in the community. So I’ll skip all the specifics and get to the point.

Goal Substitution and Avoidance.

This is tricky because you will read this and your mind may even disagree with this to protect what it’s doing. Let’s say your goal is getting laid. Lets say you chunk it down a little and think, “you know (I’ll use myself as an example) I bet my game would skyrocket if I lost a few pounds.”<———

(That’s GREAT! It’s a great goal, however then let’s take it to where I think MANY, MANY guys get stuck in a rut, all the while thinking they are doing the right thing. Their mind substitutes the EASIER goal for the REAL goal.)

——->But then without even noticing your mind secretly follows up with, “so maybe I’ll take some time off, and lose a few pounds before I go out and game again. Maybe I’ll just focus on diet and exercise. Afterall, I need to look good and be in shape to go out and pick up attractive women.”

Or it happens like this, “I need to get to the gym to work out. I need to get in shape. I better do that and not go out tonight so I have energy to work out today and tomorrow as well.” So what happens is, your mind tells you you are doing something good, but in reality it is tricking you into AVOIDING your true goal. Fitness should be a means to an end. It should HELP you (remember, this is assuming you are in this to get laid) to further those goals, NOT stifle your growth.

Another example might be Work. Yes, work. We need money. We need to have a job and pay the bills and be responsible. That’s very important. However, I just had the misfortune of setting aside game for almost a year because of work. I kept telling myself, “I need to be the best at this. I want to rent lots of apartments and make a lot of money. THEN I will get back to game.”

I was essentially avoiding gaming by substituting a goal that SEEMED worthy for my real goal.

This can happen in countless different ways. Really ask yourself if you are doing this and be honest with yourself. Your mind will fight you. Your mind may immediately tell you all the good reasons you need to accomplish the goal you think you have set for yourself FIRST or MORE IMPORTANTLY instead of the goal of getting great with women. Some of the ways are (these are just my opinions):

Wanting to be a GURU: Teaching as a way to FEEL like you are still in the game, but instead of actually going out and facing rejection you get the approval of other guys for your theories and ideas. They look up to you and your ego approves. All the while it is a substitute for Real Game and getting closer to your goal: Getting good with women.

Online game: Yes – It works. You can get laid if you get your shit together with your profile and your skills. I am currently tweaking mine, but am NOT spending a lot of time with it, because I realize the truth. It is an easy fix and a substitution away from Actual game. I’m sure there are guys who can sit home and get laid with online game, but when you are out and about and you see that chick who you say to yourself, “Damn! That’s her! I want her!” you’re stuck. You spend so much time online getting that easy ass that you haven’t focused on learning the skills in the field. I agree with Johnny when he said it is a balance, but if you are writing more LRs from online game than you are from in field game, guess what that means? Time to get out in the field and work on that. Keep the online game as a way to keep the ass rolling in but stop settling.

School/Work: I know it’s tough, but here’s where you can tell me to fuck off for my last point. You have a lot of studying or work to do and can’t go out all the time – well then, bust out the online game for now. Take 30 minutes a day to do a little online crap and at least have something going on. When your time frees up, get back into the field. PS – I don’t want this to be an EXCUSE for you online guys though. Your brain will probably protect your investment and tell you, “Oh. Well then he’s saying it’s ok for me to do online game because I have X going on.” Be honest with yourself. Remember, your brain might be substituting the easier way out. If you are staying home or online dating when you know full well you could be going out then you are pussing out and bullshitting yourself. You are also avoiding your Primary Goal.

Girlfriend: This one has been a big one for me. I have had girlfriends a lot since joining the community and EACH time the same thing happens. I am dating this hot or attractive chick and then I either STOP going out, OR when I do go out I look at chicks and say, “Is that chick more attractive than the girl I’m dating now? No? Well then I guess I wont approach.” The goal of this game is to get the SKILLSET necessary to attract a mate consistently. So the fault of doing the Girlfriend Substitution and avoidance is that it will STALL your momentum and your progress towards your goal. Now look, I would never trade the memories I had with those girls I dated, but I really wish that during those times I would have been diligently out sarging, because though my game it great right now, my game would be sick as fuck if I had spent that time actively sargeing and focusing on my Primary goal of getting my Skillset handled. So now I have to make the decision. No more Girlfriends unless I am shooting for MLTR and for REAL not just telling myself that while settling again on a new girl.

I don’t have enough money: Bullshit. Mystery was broke and would take the bus to the clubs. That’s why he didn’t drink, he was broke. He had barely enough to get into the clubs and then take the bus home. Hypnotica, and many other aspiring PUAs lived in their vehicles. Money can not be an excuse. We only live once and if you are always using money as an excuse you’re going to always be chasing money and not pussy. Some guys with shitloads of money are unhappy and only focused on needing more money.

I mean it really can be anything. Just make sure you are paying attention to your MAIN goal. If your main goal is Fitness and you are doing Fitness than GREAT! But if your main goal is getting quality women in your life and you are telling yourself “I need to work out instead of going out so I can attract a quality woman sometime down the road.” Then you are bullshitting yourself to avoid the hard work of building your skillset with women.

If your main goal is to be the pro at online dating without having social skills or the ability to attract women in the real world? Great, play Dating World of Warcraft all day and just keep fucking chicks from there. But if you hear that voice DEEP Inside you saying, “I need to go out and work on this in field. I still suck.” And you will KNOW if you hear it. You will hear it and quickly push it to the side, but it’s there. You have to be honest with yourself. If you hear it, then shut off the computer and spend some time going out in the field and doing some approaches.

If you are saying, “I’m at home and I’m comfortable. It’s so far to go to the club and I just feel like eating and going to bed. I’ll get back at it tomorrow.” (now look, sometimes this is ok, but I’m talking about if there’s a pattern.) If this happens a lot then you are bullshitting yourself. You need to get out and go.

Why am I bringing all of this controversial shit up? Because only LESS than 5% of guys will get good at this and life is short. If you feel like you are working at game, but really are not FOCUSED on getting better at it specifically, are not out in the field a couple times a week at least doing approaches, and not bullshit approaches but approaches where you are really pushing the envelope; if what you have chosen as your main goal diminishes your FIELD time, then perhaps you are AVOIDING your field time and will remain on of the 95% plus guys who will suck forever.

I’m just saying.

But you have to REALLY tell your ego to fuck off with this one. You have to really be honest with yourself. You have to try to allow yourself to really realize what your true goal is and stop substituting it with a close SECOND. You have to be honest with yourself, not let your mind trick you into focusing on something else as a way to “protect” you. I know it may be hard too. Like I said, your mind will give you all sorts of excuses and reassurances as to why your SUBSTITUTE goal is actually getting you closer to your Primary goal – without you even working on your primary goal. This is fucked because unless you realize it, you can be stuck in a rut WHILE thinking you are doing something good for yourself for a LONG fucking time.

Break out of the 5%. Be the guy who’s extraordinarily good at this game. Just remember what your real goal is and go about achieving it.

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